I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
