dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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