I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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