Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
