dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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