I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize