My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
