Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize