i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
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