My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize