i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
