I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
