Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
