What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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