So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
