I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
