Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize