her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
