Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
