if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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