a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
