sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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