So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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