the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
