Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
