New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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