So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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