I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
