Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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