My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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