she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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