dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We have so much sex to catch up on
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
