I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize