Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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