i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
