Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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