Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I wish life had little blips of pornography
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
