Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
