It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
