You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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