Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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