Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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