i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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