Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
