i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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