dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Watching her eat just hurts me
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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