I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
