She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My cat gives me a boner
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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