I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
