He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
