I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
