I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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