I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
