goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
