we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I want to fling myself into the sun
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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