Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
