dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
