I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
