I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize