My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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