I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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