stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
