Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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